My Prize winning Table Topic on Dogs Are A Man's Best Friend

Topics Master Amparo chose proverbs for table topics. Mine was Dogs are a man's best friend.
I said:
How many of you have dogs, or know people who have dogs? Our club member Ruth is very fond of her dog and when we held a meeting at her house she kept talking to her dog, in fact she talked to the dog more than she talked to me.

I'd already researched dogs and animals helping humans when I wrote a book of poetry on animals for children. I discovered that Capuchin monkeys could help paraplegics, doing everything for them.

Dogs and chimpanzees and other apes could be taught to understand words and signs.

A famous case was a student who taught a monkey to speak about 300 sign words. The baby monkey learned the language too. About twenty years later the student went back to the baby monkey, now an adult, and the first thing it said was, Why did you leave? Why did you abandon me? Very sad. Shows the animal was not just saying words for objects and counting, but feeling friendship and emotions.

The latest news is that a dog has been taught about 1000 words. I was so fascinated by this, that I'm writing a children's book about a dog which goes for a walk with its owner around a safari park talking to all the animals. Yes, dogs are man's best friend.

Table Topics, Monday October 6th 2015 at Harrovians Speakers' Club.

Later that evening I gave my report as Grammarian. I commented that it was a pity I had not thought to add a pun on man being dog's best friend.

Angela Lansbury ACG.

Quotations on Time, New Verse on Old Time

Here's a quotation I am using to open my speech about my life's work, travelling as a travel writer, author, researcher and comic poet.

"The time has come," the walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships - and sealing wax
And cabbages and kings -
And why the sea is boiling hot -
And whether pigs have wings."

Written by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There.

Published in 1872.
More than 100 years ago.

I hope Queen Victoria was amused. Most Victorians were. The book was a sequel to Alice in Wonderland.

The sequel was published in 1872 when witty Disraeli was still alive. 1872 was about eight years before my paternal great grandfather arrived in the East End of London, England, from Lemberg or Lvov in the Ukraine.

I've been researching my family history. Turning it into a comic novel. I tried writing a serious novel but it depressed me and I saw no point in depressing myself and the reader. Better to be like Fiddler on The Roof. The East End Cockneys and Jews were renowned for laughing at troubles.

I hope my comic poetry will still be popular in more than 100 years time.

A Hunded Years of Comic Terse
By Angela Lansbury

I hope that in a hundred years ahead
My verse will live 'though I'm more than half dead
So folks will still note cryptic words I wrote
Last wise, silly, fun words I never said.

I hope you're well dressed, well fed on seed bread
That your pillows are silk and your roses are red
That your life is ship shape with no holes in the boat
That couples still wed and kids are still bred.

I'm sure everybody, including you
Will still enjoy daft things I try to do
So for sad thoughts my joy's an antidote
From search-for-socks 'til bed-dead - without you.
-ends-
Copyright Angela Lansbury Oct 28 2014

Shakespeare said, "All's well that end's well."

See two books of quotations:
Quick Quotations for authors and speakers by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com) (Alphabetical by subject)
Who Said What What? by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com) (By day of the year)

See two books of comic verse about animals, A-Z
Angela's Alarming Animals by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com)
Poetry pets and pests by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com)

How to write poetry:
Petry Workshop Workbook by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com)
Writing Poetry for Fun by Angela Lansbury (Lulu.com)

Grammar and Misleading Headlines & Titles

COUPLE SHOT DEAD FOUND BY DAUGHTERS
   I read a headline which said, Couple Found Shot Dead By Daughters. On first reading I assumed the daughters had shot dead by the daughters. But when I read the first paragraph, then went back to check the headline, it seemed that a couple who had been shot dead were later found by the daughters. To clarify this, Couple Shot Dead, Found by Daughters.
   AIRLINE BOSS ON CRASHED PLANE
  On first reading this headline I understood, or rather misunderstood, that the boss of the airline was on the crashed plane. No, he was speaking about the crashed plane. 

Marking Gestures

For competitions and dramatic speeches you may wish to note gestures.

For the presenter - lead applause by clapping
Applause - clapping your own hands; clapping a puppet's hands; clapping giant blow up pair or hands; clapping with boxing gloves

Speech Gestures blog

Whole body

dance for joy

dance in competition

clumsy learning to dance

Diving

swimming demo: breast stroke, crawl back stroke, butterfly

Floating

Tennis - hitting ball, height of racket

Golf - stance

Face

Anger - frown, astonishment - open mouth, raised eyebrows, learning head forward; curiosity head forward, watching tennis match, stiff upper lip, whisper behind hand, head on one side straining to hear, hand cupped over ear to hear, looking at watch, kicking football, catching netball, swinging golf club, doing aerobics, squatting, slumped in front of TV, cheering football team, reading letter, (see Chaplin films, mime artists such as Marcel Marceau).

Arms 

Thank you -

Please

Shrug

Pray

Mock shake hands

Make Your Message Clear - Title- Opening / Punchline

Speakers sometimes give a speech without a title. Or you have a generic term such as Teaching. Or even more person, A Teacher.
    Are you being paid? If so, give the audience what they want.
    If you are paid simply to be entertaining, a striking outfit, a uniform, a puppet or prop might entertain.
    If you are not being paid, why not? Is it because they argue that you are promoting your book? If so, you need a book display; a talk about why you wrote the book and what your book will do for them. (That could be amuse them.)
   
TITLE
   You should start with a title. That keeps you on track. Otherwise you talk around the subject. You start by saying how you became a teacher, then your fun as a teacher. You forget the purpose of your speech, to persuade people to send their children to you because you are a good teacher.
  Let's look at some kinds of speeches:

 

CLARIFY & MATCH YOUR MESSAGE & CALL TO ACTION 

     Let’s start with purpose and title. What is the purpose? Your title, opening sentence and punchline should all state and reinforce this message. Is it:

1 Give money For Publishing Your Book / a Gift Book For Your Grandchild / Toilets In Schools In Africa.

2 My name is Angela, and I want a job working with a school / charity.

3 As a teacher, I can teach you grammar, spelling, punctuation.

3 Give Money to Me / Oxfam / the NSPCCC / Volunteer Action Development.

4 GIVE TIME, GIVE HELP Africa / Harrow / Singapore / New York / this school /this club needs you - write to them /see our website and volunteer to help today.  

5 Follow your dream - you can make a difference. 

6 I CAN HELP YOU What’s your favourite charity? Project? Life dream? - I am a manager / life coach / teacher / financier and I can help you. 

JOKEY PUNCHLINE / PUN ..........  

CALL TO ACTION

My name’s Angela / whatever - ask me for my business card. 

Hecklers - how to answer amusingly

Hecklers shouting what?

1 Get off the stage. 

(Reply - how much is it worth?)

Sit down. (I am sitting down.)

 Shut up. ( ) 

Not funny.  Boring. Not again.  

(Answer: That makes two of us. )  

(Sorry about my brother/ex/husband/father.) 

(We thought he’d be OK on day release.)

2 Nonsense.    Not true. 

(So true.)  

Rubbish. 

(If you’ve got rubbish, Rubbish collection is Friday.)

3 What do you know about it? Who says! (…) 

(I said. I'll say it again.)

4 Suggestive remarks. - Nice pair of …. Sleep with you any time. 

(May I use that as a testimonial?) 

(Can I put that on my CV?) 

(Will you tell my ex?) 

(Your flies are undone. Sorry, wishful thinking.) 

(You look different with your clothes on.)

5 Disputed facts.  

(Which year was that? When did you last check the figures. On my phone it says … 

There are lies, damned lies and interruptions.

 Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story. 

The figures go up and down hourly.  )

6 Attack on credibility of speaker.

 (You must be right. You are half my age.)

7 Attack on race, religion, country. 

(What do you know about it?)

8 Irrelevant nonsense eg Anybody seen my gloves? I dropped my crisps. 

(If you get on the floor - you might find it under the seat in front.)

(Answer: Not a political party I recognise. I can give you the number of social services.) 

9 Chat up lines - hello darling.I fancy you. 

( Reply The guy sitting next to the one who shouted - give him your phone number. He seems willing, up for anything, or anyone.) 

(You buy me a drink later. Anyone else? Just the two of us then. Sorry, this is a group activity, and I don’t think. Let’s have a vote on it. How many think he’s a good person to sleep with? i’ll have to ask my mother, father, son, minder.)

10 Shouting, talking, muttering ; 

( Sorry, what’s on the shopping list? The toilets are upstairs. Mens upstairs. Ladies downstairs, Depending what you’re after. or who you’re waiting for.)

11 Rambling personal story. 

(Answer: Yes, I had a dream like that once - then I woke up. And found myself here.) 

(Can we talk about this some other time. With my psychiatrist.)

12 Drunk singing. 

(Answer. Say, she sells sea shells on the sea shore. I thought you couldn’t

.I wish I were as drunk as you are. then I wouldn’t know what you were saying. 

Give him a drink. Preferably water.) 

(Please show him the toilet. He’s going to need it. 

Please show him the gents. Before it’s too late.) 

(Who’s going to leave first - him - or the rest of us?) 

(The bar is downstairs.) 

(That drink was a mistake. The last one.) 

(Is somebody driving you home? Take him now.) 

(What time are you leaving? Good. We’re leaving five minutes after you.)

(Can you afford another drink? No, never mind, you’ve had enough by the sound of it. 

Can you afford another drink, yes? How about a round of drinks? Thank you. We’ll have twenty five beers/glasses of wine. Can you afford a round of drinks. On second thoughts save your money for a taxi home. Can you play the guitar as well as you sing? Can you dance? Can you walk a straight line. There’s one leading to the door.)

13 Personal insults: fattie, 

(Speak for yourself. 

Are you describing your dream?

Yes, more to get hold of) 

Look but don’t touch.

shortie. 

oldie …

(age before beauty, my darling. )

stupid 

Half the people here are above average weight, height/age IQ. Half are below average weight. That's what average means. How many of you knew that? More than half the people here are above average intelligence. 

14 I hate you./him

(I love you, too.

Funny he speaks well of you.)

Prepare For Interruptions To Speeches: Plan; Praise; Joke: Thank.

Here’s an amusing subject. Interruptions.

I can do a video on this. It's best done like the video on Indian head shake signals with demonstrations.

Imagine you are the interruption, or simply announce what the interruption is, and I can react.

I have a speech on the subject of interruptions.Prepare for interruptions. 

1 Biggest interruption ever: EARTHQUAKE in the middle of your speech.

Al Jolson - San Francisco (?) earthquake -   he said, “You ain’t heard nothing yet.”

I never thought it would happen to me.

When it did, I was not the speaker but in the audience.

 I was welcomed with a group of travel press journalists to Zakinthos, where the mayor and local tourism chief gave speeches on how safe their island was (meaning your luggage won’t get stolen). 

Huge bang. Greeks ran out, not thinking we would need to be told what to do. Brits, puzzled, carried on drinking beer and wine, wondering where everyone had gone, we though to investigate. Sugdenly somebody said - it’s en earthquake - quick - rum outside!" 

TM without interruptions is not real life. Manuals should cover hecklers, losing your slides because computers won’t link to venue equipment, microphones not working. At Harrovians we once did a topics session in which each topic was interrupted; 

2 Appeal for member to move a car. Chairperson/speaker deals with this. 

3 Speaker’s called to phone by building staff - mother has urgent message. Chairperson must set up backup ‘worst case scenario - missing speaker - plan.  Every committee member should have spare speech in pocket. 

4 Women wearing towels walk through room (area contest in central hallway of leisure centre - TM Alan MacMahon will recall).

5 Drunk interrupts speeches with swearing and tells us to read the bible, threatens us with dogs. (Happened to Harrovians picnic in the harrow park). SAA / president must have phone numbers of police and neighbourhood watch. Backup venue. 

6 caterers cross stage to deliver or collect drinks and deliver hot dinners  (Excalibur in pub), 

7 SAA job from back of hall. Chairman on stage should not be abandoning the speaker.

8 Constant noise from adjacent hotel/venue kitchen.

9 Have sign on door giving type of meeting, hours of meeting, whether strangers welcome or tickets needed - how to get them - for early arrivals, latecomers and other users of building.

10 Members of ballet class arrive in wrong venue too early.

11 SAA background music on tannoy, shopping centre tannoy announces Santa Claus arrival - know the building organisers and where to go for help.

12 Bouquet delivered to speaker by mistake (all based on events we’d experienced), 

13 Singers at Happy Birthday party next door (HOD at golf club). Change rooms.

Plan, Praise, Joke, and Thank.

For example, 'Thank you for that wonderful bouquet. I knew my speech was good but I didn't realise I was that good. It's addressed to the bride and groom. I wasn't planning to get married today. I think this must be for the banqueting hall. Will somebody kindly show this delivery person the way. Thank you so much, Henry. It may be some time before we see Henry or the flowers again. Where was I, before that delightful distraction. Ah yes, I was talking about planning a dinner party. Of course, you should have a flower arrangement on the table.'