Hecklers - how to answer amusingly

Hecklers shouting what?

1 Get off the stage. 

(Reply - how much is it worth?)

Sit down. (I am sitting down.)

 Shut up. ( ) 

Not funny.  Boring. Not again.  

(Answer: That makes two of us. )  

(Sorry about my brother/ex/husband/father.) 

(We thought he’d be OK on day release.)

2 Nonsense.    Not true. 

(So true.)  

Rubbish. 

(If you’ve got rubbish, Rubbish collection is Friday.)

3 What do you know about it? Who says! (…) 

(I said. I'll say it again.)

4 Suggestive remarks. - Nice pair of …. Sleep with you any time. 

(May I use that as a testimonial?) 

(Can I put that on my CV?) 

(Will you tell my ex?) 

(Your flies are undone. Sorry, wishful thinking.) 

(You look different with your clothes on.)

5 Disputed facts.  

(Which year was that? When did you last check the figures. On my phone it says … 

There are lies, damned lies and interruptions.

 Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story. 

The figures go up and down hourly.  )

6 Attack on credibility of speaker.

 (You must be right. You are half my age.)

7 Attack on race, religion, country. 

(What do you know about it?)

8 Irrelevant nonsense eg Anybody seen my gloves? I dropped my crisps. 

(If you get on the floor - you might find it under the seat in front.)

(Answer: Not a political party I recognise. I can give you the number of social services.) 

9 Chat up lines - hello darling.I fancy you. 

( Reply The guy sitting next to the one who shouted - give him your phone number. He seems willing, up for anything, or anyone.) 

(You buy me a drink later. Anyone else? Just the two of us then. Sorry, this is a group activity, and I don’t think. Let’s have a vote on it. How many think he’s a good person to sleep with? i’ll have to ask my mother, father, son, minder.)

10 Shouting, talking, muttering ; 

( Sorry, what’s on the shopping list? The toilets are upstairs. Mens upstairs. Ladies downstairs, Depending what you’re after. or who you’re waiting for.)

11 Rambling personal story. 

(Answer: Yes, I had a dream like that once - then I woke up. And found myself here.) 

(Can we talk about this some other time. With my psychiatrist.)

12 Drunk singing. 

(Answer. Say, she sells sea shells on the sea shore. I thought you couldn’t

.I wish I were as drunk as you are. then I wouldn’t know what you were saying. 

Give him a drink. Preferably water.) 

(Please show him the toilet. He’s going to need it. 

Please show him the gents. Before it’s too late.) 

(Who’s going to leave first - him - or the rest of us?) 

(The bar is downstairs.) 

(That drink was a mistake. The last one.) 

(Is somebody driving you home? Take him now.) 

(What time are you leaving? Good. We’re leaving five minutes after you.)

(Can you afford another drink? No, never mind, you’ve had enough by the sound of it. 

Can you afford another drink, yes? How about a round of drinks? Thank you. We’ll have twenty five beers/glasses of wine. Can you afford a round of drinks. On second thoughts save your money for a taxi home. Can you play the guitar as well as you sing? Can you dance? Can you walk a straight line. There’s one leading to the door.)

13 Personal insults: fattie, 

(Speak for yourself. 

Are you describing your dream?

Yes, more to get hold of) 

Look but don’t touch.

shortie. 

oldie …

(age before beauty, my darling. )

stupid 

Half the people here are above average weight, height/age IQ. Half are below average weight. That's what average means. How many of you knew that? More than half the people here are above average intelligence. 

14 I hate you./him

(I love you, too.

Funny he speaks well of you.)